| (no subject) |
[Sep. 24th, 2010|12:02 pm] |
I have always been fascinated by serial killers, and people who commit (or attempt to commit) large scale atrocities. The interest I have in the people who commit these crimes is driven by a desire to understand. How does one get from cute and cuddly infant (as we all were at one time) To Homicidal maniac? For the purposes of this post I am excluding the incurably deranged, whose actions may or may not have some sort of logical foundation. I want to know what makes your (fairly) average child grow up to be a monster. Obviously, this is a very broad and generalized premise. Each case is different and is in some way dependent on the subjective environmental factors of the individual(s). And so, It may help to narrow the field a bit.
For the past two weeks or so, I have been studying the case files of the students who committed the Columbine High School shootings. These are Eric Harris and Dylan Kliebold, ages 18 and 17, respectively. The pair opened opened fire on April 20th, 1999, killing 13 people before shooting themselves in the head.
If there is a silver lining that comes a long with something so horrific, it may be that, if they had succeeded in what they were attempting to do, the body count could have easily ended up in the hundreds. Initially, the plan was to set a bag filled with homemade explosives down in the cafeteria, set to explode at the precise minute they thought it would be most crowded. The boys would then wait outside in the hopes of making easy targets of those rushing out the door after the explosion. Fortunately, the bombs were poorly made, and never went off. Unfortunately, that didn't slow their resolve, and what happened next is a piece of disturbing history.
Of course, everyone is familiar with the event. I can remember being about 14 at the time. I heard about the event, saw a tiny bit of news coverage, but not really being all that concerned with the particulars. "A few nutcases got guns and killed people, that sucks" pretty much summed up my feelings on the matter. Until recently, I had all but forgotten about it. But I blindly stumbled onto some information on the shooting (I don't remember how or why, to be honest) and I desired to know more. I was in luck.
Floating around on this wonderful thing we call the internet, are the diaries of the two boys, confiscated as evidence, and later released to the public. What I found most interesting about this is the personality types of the boys were very different. The one (important) thing they had in common: they felt alone, isolated, and angry. They felt as though they were bullied, and simply weren't going to take it anymore. I remember that being a linchpin of the analysis of the time: they were bullied. That always seemed like a bit of an oversimplification to me. Kids are bullied in schools everyday, all over the country, and this is not the result. In my research I was not made aware of any rape, or savage beatings that they incurred at the hands of this bullying, and so they simple answer of "They were bullied" doesn't really seem to wash. At least, not by its lonesome.
The majority of Dylan's journal read like the whining of a typical high school kid. He felt alone, wished he had more friends, etc etc. About a month after he starts writing, he finds a girl in school that he "loves." He spends the next few entries writing her poems, drawing hearts, and saying how happy he would be if they were together. His elation is short lived, however, as he soon becomes aware that this girl doesn't notice him. As he is to shy to approach her, a stalemate ensues. He writes about how depressed he is, how he wants to call her but can't work up the nerve. More poetry, more hearts (broken). Again, very typical stuff. The name of the girl has been censored (of course) but from what I've read it seems like she wasn't injured in the attack. I wonder if she knows it's her. What can that possibly feel like?
On quite the other end of the spectrum is Harris' journal. This thing reads like a declaration of war. Page after page of Adolf Hitler worship, "everyone should die" diatribes, and other paranoid fantasy rantings. At one point he talks about wanting a girl, too. But his mind travels in a far other directions. Namely, Rape fantasy, and even a hint at some cannibalistic desires.
Based on the conclusions of psychological reports I've read Harris was pretty clearly a psychopath. Keep in mind that the term "psychopath" when used in a clinical sense is not simply used to describe people who seem "crazy." It has a very distinct and clear meaning. People who are pyschopathic are capable of doing unspeakably bizzare and savage things. The reason for this is they do not understand emotions like empathy,or compassion, because they have never felt these emotions themselves.
You also see psychopathic behavior in some of the things he writes about. He has a messianic complex, constantly referring to himself as 'god' Saying that even if he is a hypocrite (he writes about hating racists, for example, but frequently targets "niggers and jews" as objects for his hatred) its okay because he is god and what he says goes. To be honest, when I read some of his stuff, it seemed sort of deliberately over the top. He starts spewing his hatred in January of 98. It is just hard for me to fathom that someone can be this angry, and this hateful for (at least) this long and keep everything together long enough to plan something like the shootings. But I suppose I wouldn't understand, because I am not a psychopath. By most accounts, he was an exceptionally bright kid, so maybe that helped with the subterfuge, who knows?
One thing that I discovered was that, for a time before the shootings, Harris was taking the antidepressant Luvox. It is now widely known that anti-depressants in young teens can contribute to suicidal behavior. There is also some evidence, based on his autopsy, that he may have stopped taking the drug sometime before the shootings. This, of course, would only complicate things further. It is possible that Harris' already extreme mental state was exacerbated in this way, but we will never know for sure.
I have seen it suggested in psychological reports that there may be no Dylan Kliebold without Eric Harris. That is, without Harris to spur this on, the events of Columbine might have never taken place. It is certainly a fair point to make. Kliebold was troubled and angry, no question. But throughout his journal we don't see too much of that anger turned outward. There is a lot of self loathing in Dylan's writing. Inadequacy, fear. The sort of thing that, again, is typical among teenagers. No one can say for sure but it seems to me that, had he graduated and left Columbine, gotten away from those who knew him as shy and awkward and simply started anew, things could have turned out very different. Not so, for Harris. Based on his writings, his webpages, and, of course, his actions, it would seem that the world is glad to be rid of him. Don't misunderstand, I sympathize with the fact that he was severely fucked in the head, but if it wasn't Columbine, I fear it could have been something bigger. It seems to me that Eric Harris was beyond hope. However, the question once again arises as to how much of a role Luvox played in his behavior. Again, although it may have exacerbated his tendencies, It doesn't seem to me that it can be solely responsible for them. Maybe i'm wrong?
Anyway, that's about it. I don't think anyone will read this, and, to be honest, I don't care if they do. I have been thinking about this subject, almost compulsively, for the last two weeks and needed to get some of this off my chest. The fucked up part is that this is exactly what they wanted. They wanted people contemplating, wondering why they did it. Well fellas, I guess you got me.
What really bothered me most about the whole thing was that these were just a couple of kids. And you can see it. They made movies about radioactive clothes attacking the planet, they were big Quientin Tarintino fans, they put together a webpage where they told lame 'your mother jokes' satirizing the joke itself. Ya know stuff like "yo momma is so stupid... she never read a book.. oooooh snap!' Harris also had webpages where he spewed his bile, but if you look close enough, you can see the teenager in both of them. Then their is the fact that even if Harris was beyond repair, Kliebold clearly wasn't, and it saddens me to think what might have been if this kid could have gotten some help.
Don't get me wrong, these kids are what they are. They are murders, and they deserve to be considered as such. The people who they killed and injured (some of whom they had never even met and had nothing to do with the bullying) were undeniably innocents, and what they have done is unforgivable. I find the sort of entitlement that allows someone to believe they are justified in taking a life as the most disgusting on the planet, whether it be caused by a clinical condition or otherwise.
I guess the big question i've been asking myself since I started all this is "were there 13 victims or 15?" After much contemplation, i'm not sure it's as black and white as all that. I believe that, in this case, the label of 'victim.' Belongs on a continuum. Even though its hard for us to accept that Harris and Kliebold were Victims, I believe that in a sense, they were. Victims of their adolescent confusion, psychotic nature, ignorance, rage. I believe that they fell Victim to all of these things. Were they bullied? to an extent, they may have been. And while The bullying may have fueled the fire, you don't have to be a psychologist to know that going on a killing spree is not a proportionate response to such a thing.
And so that's it. 11 years on, 15 dead, and two gunmen not even old enough to drink who, by our best estimation, died virgins. So what was it? Was Eric Harris just the psychotic ringleader who mentored a depressed and confused kid? That, too, may be an oversimplification. As with most things in life, I think the answer lies somewhere in between. The only thing that I am sure of about this whole incident is that it is really fucking depressing.
Imagine yourself in the position of one of these two, knowing that you are going to kill as many people as you can, and then yourself. What goes through your mind a month before, a week before? For fucks sake, Kliebold went to the prom with a friend of his 3 days before the shooting, there are pictures of him in his tux.... Harris spoke on camera about how its weird to know you are going to die in 2 weeks. I'll bet so. Jesus, what the fuck were you thinking? |
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| "the table is tilted folks, the game is rigged |
[Jan. 26th, 2009|12:44 am] |
and nobody seems to notice.... nobody seems to care. Good, honest, hardworking people... continue to elect these rich cocksuckers who don't give a fuck about them
they don't give a fuck about you
THEY DON'T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT YOU
THEY DON"T CARE ABOUT YOU
AT ALL
AT ALL
AT ALL
and nobody seems to notice.... nobody seems to care. That's what the owners count on: The fact that Americans will probably remain willfully ignorant of the big red white and blue dick that's being jammed up their assholes everyday.
Because the owners of this country know the truth
It's called the "American Dream" because you have to be asleep to believe it"
-George Carlin |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 21st, 2008|09:55 pm] |
i'm not sure why you don't want to be with me
whatever it is, im sorry
im sorry if i got angry sometimes
i'm sorry |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 16th, 2008|07:33 pm] |
I would never leave you, I want to take care of you.
I have never felt more intensely about something as I do about this. It makes sense then, does it not, that I would have an equally intense reaction in the opposite direction when this feeling is denied.
I need a favor.
I never left you, I would never do that. We stopped speaking, but I never did not respond to a telephone call or message, I would always have been there when you needed me. I felt like, you had your boyfriend who you were in love with, and you didnt need me anymore, maybe I was wrong.
I said I would never go away and I haven't, and I won't.
I liked what you wrote, and I love how stylized it is. I enjoy the clutter and the color, it sort of made me feel like I had synthesia, in a good way. |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 22nd, 2008|06:26 pm] |
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why do you always leave. Is this really what you want? |
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| please stay(yesterday) |
[May. 29th, 2008|04:28 am] |
"we both are lost
and alone in the world
walk with me in the gentle rain" |
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| The |
[Mar. 5th, 2008|07:15 pm] |
perpetual rejection continues
I want you to know
It is important for you to know
That there is a difference
Between being Suicidal
And having a deathwish
Don't worry about me.... |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 11th, 2008|02:52 am] |
The rules:
Do a Google image search on the answer to each item, and pick a photo from the first page of results. Post the photo.
AGe at next birthday
2. Place youd like to visit:
3. Favorite place
4. favorite Object
5. Favorite animal
http://www.comforts.co.jp/shizu%20002.jpg
6. Favorite food
7. Favorite color
8. Town of Birth
9. Town where You live now
http://pix.epodunk.com/locatorMaps/nj/NJ_18323.gif
10. Your First Pet
11. Name of past love (or present)
src="http://images.eonline.com/eol_images/Profiles/20060913/244.portman.natalie.091906.jpg" />
12. Best friend's nickname
[ Error: Irreparable invalid markup ('<img [...] <img>') in entry. Owner must fix manually. Raw contents below.] The rules: Do a Google image search on the answer to each item, and pick a photo from the first page of results. Post the photo. AGe at next birthday <img src="http://www.misdirections.com/images/detail_22Blows.jpg," /> 2. Place youd like to visit: <img src="http://www.kwintessential.co.uk/images/country/japan-flag2.jpg" /> 3. Favorite place <img src="http://www.mandalaybay.com/images/rooms/Gold_Class_600SS_Room_King.jpg" /> 4. favorite Object <img src="http://www.microsoft.com/library/media/1033/windowsxp/images/using/setup/maintain/67417-label-cd.jpg" /> 5. Favorite animal http://www.comforts.co.jp/shizu%20002.jpg 6. Favorite food <img src="http://www1.istockphoto.com/file_thumbview_approve/1067375/2/istockphoto_1067375_hot_chicken_soup.jpg" /> 7. Favorite color <img src="http://www.sarudama.com/images/blue_ernie.gif" /> 8. Town of Birth <img src="http://www.reisefotos.de/weblog/staten.jpg" /> 9. Town where You live now http://pix.epodunk.com/locatorMaps/nj/NJ_18323.gif 10. Your First Pet <img src="http://www.blk.mmtr.or.jp/~kyoushin/new_dog/shizu0.jpg" /> 11. Name of past love (or present) src="http://images.eonline.com/eol_images/Profiles/20060913/244.portman.natalie.091906.jpg" /> 12. Best friend's nickname <img src="http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/thumb/7/75/AceTroubleshooterIt'sNeverEnough.jpg/200px-AceTroubleshooterIt'sNeverEnough.jpg" /> <img 13.="13." your="Your" sn="SN" <img="<img" 14.="14." your="Your" first="First" name="Name" src="http://www.facade.com/celebrity/photo/Chris_Rock.jpg" /> 15. Middle Name: <img src="http://akvis.com/img/examples/sketch/sketch-portrait/john-travolta-photo.jpg" /> 16. Last <img src="http://www.yorkshiresoul.org/olson%20twins%20naked.jpg" /> 17. Bad Habit <img src="http://ur.rutgers.edu/medrel/images/poker.jpg" /> 18. First Job <img src="http://www.davesstrawhatinn.com/images/CASHIER_WEB.jpg" /> 19. grammas name <img src="http://www.starssourcing.com/images/Men%20Jean%20Pant.jpg" /> 20. major: <img src="http://ammaryasir.files.wordpress.com/2007/10/technical_writing-1.jpg" /> |
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| God Above, here is my prayer |
[Aug. 1st, 2007|10:45 am] |
not the first you've heard, but the first i've wrote..
Not the first, but the others... were a long time ago.
There are two people here, and I want you to kill them.
Her, she can go quietly, by disease or a blow, To the base of her neck, where her necklaces close.
Where her garments come together, where I used to lay my face, that's where you oughtta kill her... in that particular place.
Him, just fucking kill 'em
I dont care if it hurts...
YES I do, I want it to, fuckin' kill him but first...
make him cry like a woman... no particular woman
Let him hold out hope that someone or other might come.
then
fucking kill him
Fucking kill him.
Kill him already, kill him.
Fucking kill him, fucking kill him,
Kill him already, kill him.
Fucking kill him, fucking kill him,
Kill him already, kill him.
Just fucking kill him! Fucking kill him,
Fucking kill him already, kill him.
Ah Fucking kill him, fucking kill him,
Kill him already, kill him.
Kill him already, kill him already
Kill him, fucking kill him.
Just fucking kill him, fuckin kill him,
Kill him already, kill him.
Fuckin kill him, kill him,
Fucking kill him already, kill him.
Kill him, fucking kill him,
Kill him, just fucking kill him.
Kill them already, kill them already,
Kill him.
Amen. |
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